Chess, not checkers
So I’m trying this new thing where I ignore you so that you can miss me and pay more attention to me. I have reached wits end with this situation and don’t know what else to do. As much as I hate games, it seems to be the only thing that gets your attention. Pretty soon, I am going to get tired of playing and you can just enjoy a nice game of solitaire.
In a few weeks, I’m going to let this all go. The end.
Love Jones.
Such is life
If art imitates life, then this film somehow predicted mine. “Just kickin’ it” has been the running theme of all my pseudo-relationships. As much as I hate to admit it, I have the Jones for my Larenz Tate. I can’t stand when he’s away, wonder who he’s with when he’s not with me, care about his well-being, and love to make him happy. I know I can do better. I know I should do better than this painful, on-again-off-again THING. This THING, whatever it is sucks. Not knowing how to act, no security, no assurance. This is just one big push and pull.
Every time I start to feel stuck, I relate to Nia Long’s character. How she swore off love, and wasn’t trying to be in a relationship. She feared having her heart broken like it was in the previous situation. So, she convinced herself that she was content with just kickin’ it. She hung out with Larenz Tate’s character, started a sexual relationship off the bat, and didn’t know where it was going.
Larenz Tate’s character, influenced by his friends and his past, could not admit that he was in love with her. That when she went away, his heart ached and tried to fill that void with empty sex and flings.
The movie speaks to the complications that arise when people aren’t real with themselves, let alone their significant other. They cannot bring themselves to surrender to their feelings because of fear. Fear is what makes me not want to be honest with myself to either let my Larenz know how I feel or just let it go. Fear of rejection and fear of being alone makes me stay silent and continue to just kick it. Fear of hurting my feelings or losing me is what keeps him from either falling completely in love or just letting me go.
What kills me is that I know that as I sit here and type this, he is not thinking about me, nor would he think this deeply about me. I try to fill my time with activities, delve into work, go out with friends, but none of that works.
I just need an answer.
